Of unharmed skin. Of little to no destructive thoughts. It is so incredibly frustrating to me that three years later this is happening. Three years later my mind is scattered and unable to focus. Three years later my heart feels heavy. Three years later I am desperate to get a razor blade and drag it until I can’t feel this anymore. But at the same time I don’t want to. I want to fight it and remember that it’s a trap and it’s unhealthy and it ends badly and it doesn’t fix anything. But it’s hard to fight with yourself, when your brain is telling you to feel both ways and can’t let one go. Ughhhhhh
There is sweet solace in cold metal pressed against skin, even in the pain it inflicts, but not in the aftermath.
Can someone please explain to me why the fuck I feel this way again. I don’t know what to do. And I hate feeling frozen. I hate when my mind plays tricks on me. I hate all of it.